Let’s start with you! 

Go grab a pen and paper and write everything that you want. Do you want a new car? To travel the world? Another career? To be a better friend? To be happy? All the above? Write them all down. You’ll work with this list throughout the book. Let’s call this your Want List. Go do it now. I’ll be here when you’re done. 

You’re back! How long is your list? If you’re like me and feel excited thinking about all that you want, you may have a huge list. If you do, take a moment right now, and narrow down that list to your top 5-10 wants. The ones you feel are most important. Here are some of my wants from my list. 

I want…

• to buy a house.

• a new vacuum, new clothes, and nicer shoes.

• to have honest and deep friendships.

• my kids to grow up knowing I love them and that they will always have a place to call home.

• a close friend here in Ireland.

• to travel the world and find those hidden gems, to experience more places and food. 

• to do interesting work and create a positive brand that is inspirational and intelligent.

• to meet new people and learn a language.

• to be an author, a teacher, and an inspirational speaker.

• to be financially stable.

Do you notice any patterns on my list or, better yet, on your list? Or did you notice any feelings while you wrote your list? 

Wanting is a part of every moment of your life, influencing your very being. On a physiological level, you want to be at a comfortable temperature; you want to move; you want to scratch an itch. On a motivational level, you want to achieve goals of all kinds. And on an emotional level, you want to feel loved, satisfied, needed, or heard. 

When you want, you are always seeking a reward or avoiding some kind of pain. That’s how desire works.

When you ask yourself, what do I want, you’re taking a moment to think about that want in your own mind, in your own world. You imagine the future. You see some kind of reward, and you feel all kinds of feelings, usually positive vibes that excite and motivate you.

Let’s activate that excitement and motivation. Below your want list, mark off and start another section. Now, answer this question.

What Do You Want To HAVE?

If you won the lottery, what would you want to have? Pause for a moment and think about the things you want to have. (Write as many things as you can think of.)

When my clients do this exercise, they notice many things on their lottery list are also on their want list. This was the same for me. The first thing that came to my mind, if I won the lottery, was a house. This, too, is on my want list. For the past 20+ years I’ve been renting so it’s important to me to finally have a house, which is the first thing I’d buy if I won the lottery. This is a perfect example of a thing that I want.

Children are great examples of thing wanters. Bring a child into a cafe and they want to have a cookie, slice of cake or a treat. Or maybe they want the fizzy soda. Or we’ve all seen a child in a toy shop complain and sometimes have a tantrum because they want a specific toy. Wanting material things is part of being human. 

Now, review your list again. Did you notice any conceptual wants? For example, I had to stop myself from writing; I want to be a homeowner, because that’s not a thing. But wanting to be a homeowner is extremely important to me. We’ll get to being wants later in this chapter. 

Let’s have a look at some other having wants. If you look at my want list, you will notice I also wrote how I want to have deep and honest friendships; I want to have a loving husband; I want my kids to know and feel loved. Although I can’t have these things physically, let’s say by winning the lottery, they are still having wants. They are feelings I want to have. The feeling of belonging and love. Pull out your having wants from your want list and put them on the worksheet below.

Now, let’s imagine you are at a crossroads in your life, with the opportunity to choose any direction you want without worrying about your background, your education or where you live. Now, answer this question.

What Do You Want To DO?

Go on… take another pause here and have a think. What would you want to do if you could choose to do anything?

The first doing want on my list is, I want to travel the world. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to drop everything and travel the world, but it is a doing want. It’s something I want to always do – travel. I also have on my list that I want to do interesting work. Even though this is vague, and you may find a similar want on your list, keep it there because it’ll come in handy when you set up your Want Foundation in chapter six. Another doing want on my list is meeting new people and learning a language. These doing wants require action.

My roommate from college is a quintessential “doing wanter”. She is the one posting pictures on social media of her swimming in the Amazon, hanging from a cliff while rock climbing, or eating worms in Africa. As I write, she is on a five-month journey sailing around Australia and Indonesia in a 30ft sailboat. Now, I don’t want to do those things, but I am in awe of all that she does, and I want to do exciting things too. I want to feel the excitement of new discoveries and experiences. And here’s the good news: you don’t have to travel the world or eat crickets to have unique discoveries or experiences, unless it’s something you want to do!Look at your want list. Can you pick out which of your wants are “doing wants?” Do you want to go on an exotic holiday in the sun? Learn how to snowboard? Or perhaps you want to work helping local people in a third-world country? 

Wanting to do encompasses so much more than just physical activities, it encompasses your daily activities, helping activities, and learning activities. Learning and gaining knowledge require you to “do” research, ask questions, or work out how to solve a problem. So, perhaps you want to attain a degree. To have that degree requires you to learn and gain knowledge. Is this something you want to do? You’re doing research right now by reading this book. 

Doing wants also encompass pro-social behaviors, such as volunteering, showing kindness, or helping others. Perhaps you want to help save the planet from climate change. To do that, you’ll want to put yourself into action. When I lived in Singapore, I used to work for Earth Hour, a World Wildlife Federation division. It was important to me to do the work of promoting awareness of global electricity usage and light pollution. In doing this work, I felt like I was making a difference. 

Go ahead now and put your doing wants in the second column of the want worksheet.

What’s interesting about doing wants, which are usually driven by outcomes and actions, is that we often come up with excuses or reasons we CAN’T do them. Our thinking can get in the way of doing exactly what we want. Perhaps you want to go on an exotic holiday, but you think, it’s too expensive. Or maybe you want to learn how to snowboard, but you think, it’s going to be too difficult. Maybe you think you don’t have enough experience to apply for a new role, so you don’t. 

When we want to do something, we want to achieve or experience something. Our motivation to do is at the core of human existence. However, we are very good at talking ourselves out of this motivation. Procrastination, engaging in a negative assessment of ourselves or our situations, and believing our biases and negative self-talk all hinder our motivation to do. All these challenges are called inner conflicts. But before we tackle inner conflicts; I have one more question.

Who Do You Want To BE?

Who do you want to be? This is the big one. Write as much as possible. What do you see in your mind when you answer the question, “who do I want to be?” 

The first thing I wrote was, “I want to be an author and a speaker.” I want to be inspirational and help others go after all that they want in life. But I also wrote, “I want to be loved and I want to be a good mother.”

Who do you want to be? Do you want to be famous? Or to be creative and express yourself? Do you want to be healthy, feel a sense of belonging, and have strong relationships? Do you want to be happy? Have a look at your want list again and pull out those being wants and put them on the worksheet.

When you ask yourself who or what you want to be, the answer often comes with great positivity and excitement, enthusiasm, and motivation for the future. Thoughts and images of your ideal self come into your mind. Someday you’ll be that person.

For some, thinking about who they want to be can conjure up comparisons. Comparisons of who they are now versus who they want to be. These comparisons lead to feeling frustration, anxiety and overwhelm at the prospect of change. More inner conflicts that The Want Mindset can help you overcome. 

Looking at your want list and your want worksheet, do you notice anything about your be wants? Your be wants encompass your having wants and doing wants. 

Look at the words you used to define who you want to be. For example, do you want to be a baker, an accountant, or a teacher? These words label a doing want. You want to do baking, accounting and teaching. When you think about the words a baker, accountant or teacher, you already understand the definitions of what those words mean. I want to be an author. The definition of author is someone who writes books, articles or documents. The word author fills our heads with images of someone who writes (which is a doing want) with a pen, a computer or in a notebook (which are having wants). This is because we use language, personal associations, and labels to define who we want to be. However, I’d like to offer a different perspective. 

Your being wants are those wants that represent your core values. Your core values are the words you use to express your true self, ideal self, and your future self. For example, some of my core values include the want to be honest, trustworthy, supportive, and inspirational. Wanting to be is about how you want to feel and show up in the world.

Your Wants Are Uniquely Yours

Have a look at your want list and if you haven’t done it already, separate and allocate your wants into the three types of wants: having, doing, and being. (You can download a blank worksheet at www.BethELee.com.)

Your wants are uniquely yours, and in your own head, do three things.

1. They spark your emotions to feel.

2. They kick start your motivation to do.

3. They embody your human values to be.

What’s great about creating a list like this is that not only is it uniquely yours, but it’s flexible. As you think about your wants, you’ll generate more wants and more ideas. It’s a motivational, inspirational and ever-changing list that encompasses you as a person. 

Your wants are yours alone. For example, you and I may both want a house, or to travel or be inspirational. However, the images you hold in your mind versus the images I hold in my mind about the house, travel and what inspiration means, are different. As time goes by, our wants will change depending on our individual circumstances, choices, actions and thinking. 

Building a want mindset can help keep your dreams alive. Learning the psychological skills to overcome negative thinking and manage your inner conflicts can help you get a having want, achieve a doing want and become whatever you want to be. You just need to learn the knowledge, link the process to your life and then live it by shifting your thinking back to why. 

Do you know why you want what you want?